Striving to Thriving
I look at my children sometimes and can't believe that I've been a mom for close to seven years now. It's safe to say it's been the most challenging, difficult and rewarding job by far. I've learned a lot about myself through raising my children whether it was seeing my many character flaws or seeing what I'm capable of.
After my eldest was born six years ago, the idea of "caring" for myself didn't enter my mind nor my vocabulary at all. I was in high demand around my house. There's so. much. to. do. Especially when I was in the thick of newborn/infant stage where I felt like a walking cafeteria, cleaning up poop explosions and feeling all mess of emotions - delirium/anger/sadness/joy/anger/sadness - from lack of sleep. Then once the day was over I'd collapse on my bed if I was lucky enough to make it there, if not the floor. I'm so thankful to have a husband and a wonderful community of friends who were willing to watch my baby so I can get get sleep or go outside but I always felt bad or guilty. I felt guilty of not wanting to be around my child even though it's not really what it was about. Why do I (we) think we should always be there for our kids and if we don't want to be around them there is something wrong?
The only time I maybe allowed myself to do the things I wanted or to get things was, "If I finished doing ______________, then I can reward myself with ______________ or else I don't deserve it." I couldn't understand why I had this mentality that I couldn't have something unless if I did something to deserve it. But even after "I rewarded" myself I still felt unworthy of anything. It was a vicious cycle.
This mentality of striving and performing to receive love, affection or whatever was engrained in me before but I never fully grasped it's hold on me until it became magnified during my post-partum period. I wanted to receive but didn't know how to receive well. It took me a while to understand the root of it. I knew it came from the need to please and appease people especially those closest to me. I particularly buried emotions of sadness or anger and put on a happy face, saying "oh everything's fine!" in order to maintain peace and not make anyone feel burdened or disheartened. The reality is that no one depended their happiness on me, no one ever said I had to be or feel a certain way and no one had that high of expectations of me except myself! It's like get over yourself, Helen. Haha.
After years of that, I got drained and threw my hands up in surrender. I took my first baby step by leaving my baby boy home with my husband and went to the nail salon by myself. Those were the best two hours spent with no regrets, just pretty hands and toes. I know this all sounds totally ridiculous and silly but it was the beginning of me saying, "Hey, it's okay to give yourself a break and enjoy the things that make you feel normal." I've not only become a better mom, wife and person overall but I've also learned to give myself some credit as a mom.
Of course these breaks and moments to myself have been great and much needed. I'm better at identifying and recognizing moments when I'm starting to wear myself thin and need a break but at the same time, I'm learning that these moments of "escape" I call it aren't the foundation or source on which I can find satisfaction no matter how much I wish it would.
I'm still learning to receive, not just receiving help and love from people but receiving from Him, the one who pursues us. Whenever I let my heart open a little bit more, the more I see a glimpse of how I am fully loved and cherished by Him. That I don't need to strive or compromise who I am to please Him or anyone. That I don't need to earn affections or love through merit or works because I am loved by Him who's so pleased with me. That I can live in His perfect grace.
______________
After my eldest was born six years ago, the idea of "caring" for myself didn't enter my mind nor my vocabulary at all. I was in high demand around my house. There's so. much. to. do. Especially when I was in the thick of newborn/infant stage where I felt like a walking cafeteria, cleaning up poop explosions and feeling all mess of emotions - delirium/anger/sadness/joy/anger/sadness - from lack of sleep. Then once the day was over I'd collapse on my bed if I was lucky enough to make it there, if not the floor. I'm so thankful to have a husband and a wonderful community of friends who were willing to watch my baby so I can get get sleep or go outside but I always felt bad or guilty. I felt guilty of not wanting to be around my child even though it's not really what it was about. Why do I (we) think we should always be there for our kids and if we don't want to be around them there is something wrong?
The only time I maybe allowed myself to do the things I wanted or to get things was, "If I finished doing ______________, then I can reward myself with ______________ or else I don't deserve it." I couldn't understand why I had this mentality that I couldn't have something unless if I did something to deserve it. But even after "I rewarded" myself I still felt unworthy of anything. It was a vicious cycle.
This mentality of striving and performing to receive love, affection or whatever was engrained in me before but I never fully grasped it's hold on me until it became magnified during my post-partum period. I wanted to receive but didn't know how to receive well. It took me a while to understand the root of it. I knew it came from the need to please and appease people especially those closest to me. I particularly buried emotions of sadness or anger and put on a happy face, saying "oh everything's fine!" in order to maintain peace and not make anyone feel burdened or disheartened. The reality is that no one depended their happiness on me, no one ever said I had to be or feel a certain way and no one had that high of expectations of me except myself! It's like get over yourself, Helen. Haha.
After years of that, I got drained and threw my hands up in surrender. I took my first baby step by leaving my baby boy home with my husband and went to the nail salon by myself. Those were the best two hours spent with no regrets, just pretty hands and toes. I know this all sounds totally ridiculous and silly but it was the beginning of me saying, "Hey, it's okay to give yourself a break and enjoy the things that make you feel normal." I've not only become a better mom, wife and person overall but I've also learned to give myself some credit as a mom.
Of course these breaks and moments to myself have been great and much needed. I'm better at identifying and recognizing moments when I'm starting to wear myself thin and need a break but at the same time, I'm learning that these moments of "escape" I call it aren't the foundation or source on which I can find satisfaction no matter how much I wish it would.
I'm still learning to receive, not just receiving help and love from people but receiving from Him, the one who pursues us. Whenever I let my heart open a little bit more, the more I see a glimpse of how I am fully loved and cherished by Him. That I don't need to strive or compromise who I am to please Him or anyone. That I don't need to earn affections or love through merit or works because I am loved by Him who's so pleased with me. That I can live in His perfect grace.
______________
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