New lenses
Ever
get that uncomfortable feeling of when someone or something, a word, an
image, a circumstance highlights a part of yourself that you don't like
about yourself but you don't want to bring it into light because you
just don't want to deal with it? It's embarrassing? It hurts your pride?
It means admitting you're actually flawed?
I felt that way this morning.
After dropping the kids off at school this morning I came home, started my usual routine of making breakfast, brewing a cup of coffee and settling down at the dining table with my journal. I receive daily devotionals through my email so upon opening it I see the subject titled, "Casting off Negativity." I don't know why but that phrase was unsettling. It made me feel uneasy. It made me fidget in my seat. It brought heaviness to my heart.
Then the devotional asked, "Where do you most often feel anger, frustration, and negativity? Who consistently leads you to speak negatively about people or situations?
I feel like my anger, frustration and negativity comes out more when I'm in a disagreement with people closest to me especially my parents and my husband. I don't know if it's because I feel comfortable around them enough to show this side of myself. The trigger to those feelings come out when I don't feel like they're considering my feelings or don't meet my expectations. Of course these are normal feelings to have in those situations but for me, the negative thoughts, the anger and the frustration held me captive and I became fixated on them. It's crazy and frightening how the mind can brew up the biggest lies about a person, how dangerous and detrimental assumptions are and how our perception of someone can be so skewed just by a circumstance or a word. Like it says in Proverbs 18:21 the tongue can either bring death or life to someone. It's something that I've always struggled with but refused to acknowledge because I didn't want people to perceive me as someone who's a negative Nancy or an angry Amy. (Ha. I made that one up.)
Even though I didn't want to I felt a gentle prodding for me to dive deeper to the root of the issue. I thought long and hard about the question of "who" consistently led me to speak negatively about people or situations. Growing up my parents have spoke things into my life that might've been normal for an Asian kid to hear. Being compared to other kids who were smarter or who were on the path to an Ivy League school. I never felt like I could measure up and my efforts of trying hard didn't meet expectations. It wasn't right for my parents to say that but after really getting to know them and deep conversations about it I understand their heart of wanting the best for their little girl. Their model of what is "best" came from other parents and the desire for their children to have a better life than what they had. But I digress. Growing up with those voices in my head spilled over into my adulthood. When I make even the slightest mistake I feel like it's not salvageable and in result I'm a failure. When I have dreams or desires about what I want to be I hear a voice that tells me that I'm not qualified enough. That there's always going to be someone better than me so there's not point in trying.
So the "who" of who consistently leading my speak negatively about people, situations or myself was the voices of lies that infiltrated my mind. The voices that told me I'm not good enough, I'm not strong enough, I'm not qualified enough were the creators. I can't combat negativity on my own will or self-help books. I'm realizing that it comes from choosing to be thankful. I'm so thankful God has placed people in my adulthood life who've helped me remove the negative lens from my eyes and remind me of what I DO have. Who have encouraged and built me up to help me become who I'm called and made to be. Who have pointed out the truth of how God sees others and myself. Who have shared testimonies of their own lives on how they've overcome situations and were able to have a heart of thankfulness, to see the best of their circumstance.
I thank God for my parents and what He is doing in their lives. For the ways He is changing and softening their hearts. That even in their old age He can still do miracles and change lives.
Let's hold captive of our thoughts and choose to speak life and love.
I felt that way this morning.
After dropping the kids off at school this morning I came home, started my usual routine of making breakfast, brewing a cup of coffee and settling down at the dining table with my journal. I receive daily devotionals through my email so upon opening it I see the subject titled, "Casting off Negativity." I don't know why but that phrase was unsettling. It made me feel uneasy. It made me fidget in my seat. It brought heaviness to my heart.
Then the devotional asked, "Where do you most often feel anger, frustration, and negativity? Who consistently leads you to speak negatively about people or situations?
I feel like my anger, frustration and negativity comes out more when I'm in a disagreement with people closest to me especially my parents and my husband. I don't know if it's because I feel comfortable around them enough to show this side of myself. The trigger to those feelings come out when I don't feel like they're considering my feelings or don't meet my expectations. Of course these are normal feelings to have in those situations but for me, the negative thoughts, the anger and the frustration held me captive and I became fixated on them. It's crazy and frightening how the mind can brew up the biggest lies about a person, how dangerous and detrimental assumptions are and how our perception of someone can be so skewed just by a circumstance or a word. Like it says in Proverbs 18:21 the tongue can either bring death or life to someone. It's something that I've always struggled with but refused to acknowledge because I didn't want people to perceive me as someone who's a negative Nancy or an angry Amy. (Ha. I made that one up.)
Even though I didn't want to I felt a gentle prodding for me to dive deeper to the root of the issue. I thought long and hard about the question of "who" consistently led me to speak negatively about people or situations. Growing up my parents have spoke things into my life that might've been normal for an Asian kid to hear. Being compared to other kids who were smarter or who were on the path to an Ivy League school. I never felt like I could measure up and my efforts of trying hard didn't meet expectations. It wasn't right for my parents to say that but after really getting to know them and deep conversations about it I understand their heart of wanting the best for their little girl. Their model of what is "best" came from other parents and the desire for their children to have a better life than what they had. But I digress. Growing up with those voices in my head spilled over into my adulthood. When I make even the slightest mistake I feel like it's not salvageable and in result I'm a failure. When I have dreams or desires about what I want to be I hear a voice that tells me that I'm not qualified enough. That there's always going to be someone better than me so there's not point in trying.
So the "who" of who consistently leading my speak negatively about people, situations or myself was the voices of lies that infiltrated my mind. The voices that told me I'm not good enough, I'm not strong enough, I'm not qualified enough were the creators. I can't combat negativity on my own will or self-help books. I'm realizing that it comes from choosing to be thankful. I'm so thankful God has placed people in my adulthood life who've helped me remove the negative lens from my eyes and remind me of what I DO have. Who have encouraged and built me up to help me become who I'm called and made to be. Who have pointed out the truth of how God sees others and myself. Who have shared testimonies of their own lives on how they've overcome situations and were able to have a heart of thankfulness, to see the best of their circumstance.
I thank God for my parents and what He is doing in their lives. For the ways He is changing and softening their hearts. That even in their old age He can still do miracles and change lives.
Let's hold captive of our thoughts and choose to speak life and love.
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