Like Father

Last Friday, after putting the kids to bed and cleaning up the last dirty plate from dinner, I plopped down on the couch and started browsing through Netflix. I knew I wanted to watch something mindless and neutral that night after a long day and enduring a forever-ish stand off with my daughter convincing her that she needs to wear clothes for bedtime (She’s 2 1/2 years old).

As I was scrolling through the new release queue I stopped at a title called, “Like Father”. It had Kristen Bell in it, whom I absolutely love, so I started watching. 

I’ll try not to spoil it too much for those who might want to watch it but basically Kristen Bell’s character, a workaholic, is left at the altar and ends up going on her honeymoon with her estranged father. Over the course of their trip she discovers she’s a lot like her father whether she liked it or not, but mostly not. Her father's ambition and overachieving ways got the best of him and he left the family because they were in the way of his career, which played out in her own life as well. But once they acknowledged and accepted their shortcomings, as well as each other, a new chapter of their relationship began. After the movie was over, I was a hot mess. So much for a mindless, neutral movie night. This triggered a lot of memories of my childhood.

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Growing up I was told I was a lot like my dad-- my looks, my mannerisms, my short temper, my creativity, my athleticism, just to name a few. I despised hearing it every time and every time I grew more bitter that I had any association with him. I grew up seeing him in his weakest, darkest and lowest moments, which infiltrated our family’s lives.

At that time, he represented everything dark and negative in my life so being told I was like him angered me. Sometimes I would stop myself in my tracks when I did or say something my dad would. But after having kids, something changed in me. Maybe I became a little bit more mature, maybe becoming a parent myself helped me to view him as HUMAN. 

I began asking and praying to God to help me see my dad the way He sees him because there was no way I could conjure myself up to love this man. I know in the Bible it says “nothing is impossible with God” but I would add “except my dad.” 

Then 3 years ago, my family and I went to visit my parents during the winter break. I told myself that this would be the moment I would talk with my dad and be honest with how I felt about everything. I was ready lay it on him and unleash all the feelings I bottled up for 30+ years. 

Before I sat my dad down at the dining table I said a quick prayer asking for courage to be honest and to speak truth in love. Immediately I felt a sudden surge of energy in my heart like it was beating out of my chest. Before I could even speak I started weeping. (Just writing about it makes me cry right now.) I felt an overwhelming sense of compassion. So MUCH love. I still remember hearing a voice saying, “He is my child.”

There was also a sense of DEEP sorrow. That God was with him in his darkest moments. I can’t imagine the hardships and trauma my dad endured growing up. It's only natural that he would learn those behaviors growing up and exhibit them as an adult. This doesn't excuse his actions but like a quote I read once said, "FORGIVENESS stops their actions from destroying your heart."

I played the victim card for so long by pointing the finger at my dad, blaming him for all the "bad" things in my life and using it as an excuse when I fell short. What I didn't know was that I had a choice. A choice to rise above my circumstances. A choice to own up to my shortcomings. A choice to become someone God intended for me to be instead of being defined by my circumstances or upbringing. A choice to walk that path of reconciliation.

From then on it's been a crazy, wonderful journey of growth, healing and acceptance. It hasn't been an easy road but definitely one worth taking. God has been so faithful. It's been incredible how much His love and grace abounds.
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